A crucial step in understanding your erotic imagination is making a clear distinction between FANTASY and DESIRE. 

Many people try to start talking about sex by saying something like “Tell me about your fantasies. . .” 

While this is a great question to ask, you can run into trouble if you mix up Fantasy with Desire. 

The difference between Fantasy and Desire is incredibly important to establish and maintain. 

Establishing this difference will give you more freedom to explore Fantasy and more confidence in naming your Desires. You’ll be more likely to know what you authentically want, and much more likely to make those Desires a reality.

We strongly urge you to maintain a very clear distinction between these terms.

Here are their dictionary definitions:

Fantasy: the activity of imagining things, especially things that are impossible or improbable

Fantasy is the realm where anything is possible, where you are free to imagine wild scenarios, extraordinary circumstances and superhuman powers.

Desire: a strong feeling of wanting to have something or wishing for something to happen.

Desires are the experiences that you find pleasurable and want more of in your actual life. 

In Fantasy, anything is possible. The limits of reality do not apply. The bank account is endless, your health and safety are guaranteed. You are dropped into the blank slate of possibility, and the only limit is your imagination. 

In the realm of Fantasy, you can privately explore the outer limits of sexuality without any risk.

Something changes from a Fantasy to a Desire as soon as you want to make it real.

Fantasies are not fulfilled - Desires are. Fantasies live in our imagination alone, Desires are part of our real physical lives. 

When it comes to your sex life, it is essential to know what is a Fantasy alone and what is a Desire for an actual experience.

Erotica and porn can be full of intense, advanced forms of kinky sex. 

While all of these sources can get your imagination going, providing you with lots of ideas for fantasies to explore, they are not always a good guide for your actual sex life. 

Instead, we encourage you to use your fantasies to provide hints about what you want to experience, and then explore in small steps to maximize pleasure and minimize risks. 

As you explore your Fantasies and name your Desires, remember that you can explore your Desires one step at a time, savoring the pleasures and intimacy you'll discover along the way!

Slow down to savor!

If you are ever in doubt about whether something is a fantasy or a desire, think about it in greater detail. As you push the thought experiment, notice if it starts feeling more or less pleasurable. Fantasies get less exciting when you think about the practical details, 

while desires start feeling more and more “right” for you. 

Your sexuality is a unique constellation of needs, desires and life circumstance. Only you can know yourself best, and throughout this course we will be offering tools so you can start getting specific about what you most want to explore for a more fulfilling erotic life.

Once you can name your own Desires, you can begin figuring out where your Desires overlap with your lover’s Desires. This area of the Venn Diagram is where you get to play. 

Remember that your Desires change over time, so your area of overlap will also shift all the time. You’ll always have new things to explore together, which is why developing these communication skills is the first skill you are building in this course!