Before doing this practice together, listen to the full podcast episode about this practice here!

Use the recording above and/or the text below to walk you through a basic 3 minute game exchange to explore sharing loving, affectionate touch. 

In the 3 minute game, you’ll take turns giving and receiving 3 minutes of pleasurable touch. 

You’ll be practicing the skills of focusing your attention, of stepping deeper into the roles of giving and receiving pleasure. 

You’ll also be learning how to listen to what your body wants, and how to communicate those desires out loud. 

You’ll be practicing listening to your partner’s desires, and then checking in to see if you can joyfully participate in those desires. 

Agree to set aside at least 10 minutes for this game so that you can each take a turn. 

  • Timer or timing device
  • Massage oil or lotion (if you wish)
  • Hand towels
  • Water and snacks

Get and stay comfortable - only ask for and offer touch that feels right to you right now. 

During the touch, both partners can adjust for comfort at any time - get more comfortable in how you are sitting, change how you are using your hands, ask for more or less pressure, more or less speed. 

Remember this entire process is about building your skills together, not enduring. 

Who’s birthday is coming up next? That person will be the receiver first. 

Giver, ask the following question: How would you like to be touched for the next three minutes? 
Receiver, quickly scan your body and notice the desires that come up. Ask for the kind of touch you want most right now, while honoring any other desires that may have bubbled up. 

Take a minute to negotiate, Giver, what adjustments to the request would allow you to happily offer this kind of touch? And then verbally agree, something like, I can offer you that.

Start the timer for 3 minutes. 

Giver, focus on the touch you are giving and notice what you can feel with your hands and fingertips. Receiver, focus on the touch you are receiving and the feelings and sensations inside your body. 

If at any point either one of you gets distracted, as you probably will, just notice the distraction and come back to your point of focus. 

After the three minute timer sounds at the end of the session, bring your touch to a graceful close and simply rest the hands on your partner’s skin for a few moments before breaking contact. 

You can finish by saying “thank you”, by making eye contact and smiling, and/or by offering a sip or water or snack. (i think formalizing the end and the moment of gratitude is valuable for people to practice. I think it becomes part of the form)

Then, get ready to switch roles. Make your request, negotiate, Get comfortable again, reset your timer and begin again. 

Once you've practiced exchanging loving, affectionate touch for 3 minutes, you can expand this inquiry into erotic touch exchanges for longer periods of time.

There are infinite variations on this basic structure of making requests, negotiating desires and willingness, active consent with specific boundaries and fully sinking into the roles of Giver and Receiver. 


Taking turns in bed is one of the most powerful reframes you can make to gain access to way more pleasure and connection. 

Taking turns is yet another gift from our erotic massage lineage - on a massage table it is clear how we can take turns giving and receiving touch, centering the needs and desires of one body at a time so we can lavish it with as much presence and pleasure as possible. 

Taking turns is not about "you do me and then I'll do you" - it is about dropping into a shared erotic experience with focused attention. Listen in to find out how this simple idea of taking turns can emerge in sex, love and life. 

To practice the skills of giving and receiving pleasure, we highly encourage you to explore the Three Minute Game.

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